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Grammar for Liars: Why We Need the Indefinite Noun by A Cynic Druid Who's Heard Enough Nonsense Let’s get
one thing straight: words are tools. You use them to point at things, explain
things, maybe even solve problems if you’re lucky. But in philosophy,
theology, academia, and every pseudo-intellectual circle worth dreading,
words aren’t used to illuminate. They’re used to obscure, deflect,
and sound smart while saying absolutely nothing. It’s time
we called this out for what it is. It’s time we introduced a new part of
speech: the indefinite noun. Think of it as a red flag for when
someone uses a term that sounds deep but refers to... well, absolutely
nothing. Exit Through the Gift Shop: The Scam of Metaphysics Let’s
start with the all-time champion of vaporous vocabulary: metaphysics.
The word literally just meant “the stuff after physics” in Aristotle’s book
collection. No divine revelation. No grand cosmic mystery. Just the shelving
system of a dead Greek. But
somewhere along the line, people decided it meant “beyond nature.” You know,
the stuff that exists outside of everything that exists. Neat trick. What is
“beyond” nature, exactly? Oh, we don’t know. But we’re very sure it’s
important and deeply meaningful. Let’s not
kid ourselves. “Beyond nature” is just a fancy way of saying “I have no
idea, but please take me seriously.” It's philosophy's version of "I
know a guy" — vague, unverifiable, and guaranteed to go nowhere. Nothing Means Anything: The Cult of Negation Enter the
non-words: non-being, non-duality, non-this, non-that. These are the
metaphysical get-out-of-jail-free cards. You don’t need to say what something
is anymore — just tell people what it isn’t. You’re no longer
responsible for meaning. You’re responsible for evoking... vibes. Here’s
how it works: ·
Take a solid term (say, “duality”). ·
Add a negation prefix (“non-”). ·
Voilà: Instant mysticism. Add water and
publish. This
tactic is especially popular among spiritual types and tenured philosophers
who’ve run out of things to say. “The non-dual is not this, not that…” Right.
So it’s nothing, then? Or maybe it’s everything? Or maybe — and
bear with me here — it’s just a linguistic shrug dressed up as revelation? The Indefinite Noun: A New Category for Old
Tricks Here’s
the deal: we need a label for this kind of thing. Not just to shame it
(though yes, definitely to shame it), but to force some basic honesty into
our conversations. Enter the
indefinite noun. Definition: A noun
that pretends to refer to something but in practice refers to nothing
specific, nothing observable, and nothing that can be clarified
without a TED Talk, a monastery, or a Ouija board. Examples
include: ·
The Absolute (absolutely what?) ·
The Infinite (infinitely undefined) ·
Non-being (you mean… not being?) ·
The Transcendent
(transcending what, exactly? The burden of clarity?) These
words are verbal smoke bombs. They’re used when someone wants the perks of
saying something profound — prestige, authority, perhaps a book deal — without
the risk of being understood, or worse, challenged. Clean Up
Your Language We
already mark definite and indefinite articles in grammar — the vs. a.
Why not mark indefinite concepts too? Let’s
make a rule: if your noun can’t point to anything, you have to flag it as [INDEF]
— like a warning label. Imagine academic papers littered with: ·
“The [INDEF] Infinite” ·
“The Nature of [INDEF] Being” ·
“Toward a Theory of [INDEF] Non-Duality” Now we’re
getting somewhere. At least the reader knows: “This word may be
meaningless. Proceed with skepticism.” Vague Words Are Vampires Here’s
the darker truth: this kind of language isn’t just lazy — it’s predatory.
It thrives in places where people are afraid to ask dumb questions like,
“Wait… what does that mean?” And
that’s the point. Vagueness protects power. If you say something
clear, people can disagree. If you say something murky and poetic, people nod
along and assume you’re wise. And if they don’t get it? That’s their problem
— you must just be operating on a higher level. Convenient,
isn’t it? Conclusion: Mark the Vague. Kill the Scam. So let’s
make this simple. If your
noun doesn’t refer to anything real, clear, or checkable — it’s indefinite. But the
rest of us? It’s time
for grammar to grow a backbone. |